last year was when I watched the fireworks without you

and I sent you a picture because I wanted for you to be there

sharing them and showing them like they have to be seen and as if that can “make you see” or something

they have to be felt

and re-reminded, or something. so you can be re-reminded. you need to know you need to know

and in doing that we can somehow grab you again

you were working so you only had fluorescents and here we could save you from that or whatever

and we talked about being something, but I really didn’t have a hold on you

I don’t think I technically was allowed to have some kind of hold on you

I didn’t want to scare you away with big booms, like we’d run around on the driveway with sparklers in hand not trying to be to all Icarus with our sparklers, but you needed to know you needed to know

you had one on me

and when I opened up the car door and you flooded in and grinned about something so large

and grabbed me and I didn’t want to let go of you

that’s why I can’t watch the fireworks today and not feel bad

and when you were little and you walked all that way on your dad’s shoulders and then one comes after the other and you get real excited and also the brilliance goes away because another one comes and you know it’s going to be over soon and it’s like you can’t even enjoy them anyway because the next one is going to be your last one once again

and also I can’t let go of you still even though we eventually had to get out of the car  once it stopped moving


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