Hit me up, Match.com

CHICAGO, IL – “I don’t even give a FUCK!” exclaimed a young girl while crossing the street to Papa D’s Grill on Saturday night amidst a hefty crowd of green shirts and smiling faces. “I don’t even care at all. I just wanna eat and go the fuck home.”

Witnesses reported slight anxiety-ridden behavior of the young female while seated in a bar’s window drinking a Guinness. “She continued to look around and down at her phone,” noted bystander Joe Williams, 27, “and it just seemed like she was somewhat insecure or like, anxious for something. Like she couldn’t fully relax and have a good time.”

Bartender Alexa Frank, 34, also recalled her behavior and reported even inklings of agitation: “She ordered a Guinness and then came back and complained about it not tasting right. I told her it had to settle and she was like, ‘Well it tastes weird.’ She then gave me a look and walked away. I didn’t get her problem.” The girl has reported to sources that the Guinness was “fucking watered down fucking Guinness” but also that “she drank it anyway,” although pissed off. Suspicion of some kind of resentment was noted .

When followed to Papa D’s Grill for questioning, the girl exclaimed frustration with “men, certain men, and men in general” and then ordered a burger and fries, turned around and said “but I actually don’t even care.” After the food arrived, she sat with her friends and licked mustard off her fingers and, in seemingly good spirits, finally yelled “I need to graduate fucking middle school!”

She then took out her phone and spent a few moments scrolling down and pressing some buttons. The exact actions taken were in question, however her final exclamation of “DAH-lete!” implied some sort of resolution.

“I don’t even eat cheeseburgers,” said the girl, “but this is really good and I’m enjoying it.” She looked out the window, then at her phone once more and threw it in her purse, almost hitting the reporter. “I mean what do I even need, someone to pay attention to me in order to feel like, validated in my existence?” The girl offered her Sprite to the reporter noting how she “couldn’t drink anything at all anymore.”

When questioned as to what specific frustration she was feeling, the girl shrugged off the question with a slightly enigmatic “well I’m fine with who I am just in and of myself or whatever and all that Oprah shit. I just wanna listen to DREAM and go home.” The girl seemed maybe intellectually inclined, aware of her destructive thought processes, however bit her lip and looked around with a soft hair flip in an ongoing state of insecurity.

Seemingly okay, the girl began to put her iPod earbuds in and then looked at the reporter with a certain gaze. “Do you know what I mean?” she inquired. The reporter declined to comment.

“Actually,” she said with a child-like but inviting grin, “you’re kind of cute. I like your plaid shirt and brown pants.”

The reporter declined to comment.


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